Finding New Mirrors

I am a leader, explorer, student, and collaborator with a remarkable drive. I grew up in a small town in Maine and traveled to California for college. This was a big leap of faith for me and ultimately proved to be a transformative experience in which I learned to discover my identity independent from my graduating class of 100 peers, with whom I attended school since kindergarten.

During the spring quarter of my first year at Santa Clara, I joined, what I deemed to be the coolest club on campus, Into the Wild––Into the Wild is the zaniest group of nature-loving granola eaters, mountain summiteers, log-hoppers, and life enthusiasts who are outliers in every sense of the word. Into the Wild leaders like moving fast, exceeding previous expectations, and continuing to set the bar higher for our successors. We thrive on the awe participants get when they round the corner into Yosemite Valley for the first time and the freedom to lead with authenticity and pride as a result of being a part of such a spectacular organization.

Fairfax, CA (Winter 2022)

Joining Into the Wild has been one of my greatest accomplishments because, like many other first-year college students, I struggled. When I traveled to school on the West Coast, I left the safety net I had so carefully curated. In what seemed like a single moment, I unpacked my first college dorm room, my parents flew home, and I was left to my own devices, 3000 miles away from the only identity I have ever known. My first two quarters were defined by disappointment and subsequent shame as I processed the first tangible failures of my life. As I sat in Benson drinking my coffee one morning, I watched people whirl around me. They gave brief greetings in passing and continued on with their days. I realized that while I knew and even considered myself to be friends with many of the people whom I saw on a daily basis, none of them knew the intricacies of my identity––and in large part, I blamed myself. From my own understanding, many people saw college, a new place, and a new peer group as an opportunity to break free of their former identity and introduce a better version of themselves. I, however, loved who I was in high school but had trouble finding that version of myself in a place where I had more choices than which AP classes to take or which sports to play to fill the void of time after school each season.

Throughout my first and second quarters of college, I made friends but consistently questioned my identity at Santa Clara. C.S. Lewis shared the belief that friendships hold a mirror to our authentic selves––but, at that point, I didn’t have any mirrors and was becoming disillusioned with both my former and present self; so I was compelled to stray from the norm that spring break. Knowing no one, I signed up for an Into the Wild trip to the Channel Islands. The night before we were set to depart, the anxiety that had been building over the previous two quarters peaked. I felt my chest tighten, my heart race, and the familiar dizziness that accompanied my panic attacks. Frantically, I searched for plane tickets to fly home. I sobbed, pacing around my room, trying to control my breathing before finally putting myself to bed.

Somehow, I willed myself to meet everyone at the cars the next morning. I gave myself permission to back out and fly home if I needed to. Throughout the pre-trip conversations, I questioned what would happen if I had simply walked away. I felt uncertain as to whether or not I would join the group on the trip until we were zipping down the highway away from campus and from my intruding thoughts of escaping to a safe flight home.

We drove through a barrage of California highways, south towards Santa Barbara. My initial inclination when I meet people is to be reserved. Growing up, I was very shy. My shyness now manifests itself by avoiding engaging with strangers and holding back my extroverted personality. Throughout the six-hour car ride, we began to drift into conversation. We shared bizarre conspiracies and howled at one another’s most embarrassing stories. I realized on that drive that I had made the right decision and sat with eager anticipation for the week ahead.

Joshua Tree, CA (Spring 2019)

There were moments that week when I was cold, uncomfortable, and irritated, but the time outside of my bubble of uncertainty reminded me of the person I had been searching for––an adventure seeker who loves a challenge. On the last night of the trip, I scrambled to the top of a rock pile in Joshua Tree to look out over the boulders littering the park floor to watch the sunset in the distance. As I sat in awe, I felt the uncertainty and pressure I carried throughout my first year, release. In those moments, I remembered the version of myself I knew before the anxiety, and stress took over my identity. As I began to recognize myself, I remembered nuances within my identity that I had long forgotten about. I remembered parts that I was proud of, and what it felt like to be inspired by my ideas and passions.

Santa Clara, CA (Fall 2021)

When I returned to campus, I was confident in the version of myself I was putting forth. I became more honest and thoughtful in my interactions with my friends and was able to show up in ways I didn’t know I was capable of. That week was the foundation for the support system that I built at Santa Clara. My greatest accomplishment is finding my identity through Into the Wild, sharing it with a group of people I chose, and giving myself the freedom to feel safe and confident in a space where that was not previously the case.

I share this story with you not because of the profound experience that spring break and subsequently joining the Into the Wild leadership team brought me, but because it is not unique. After almost two pandemic-derailed years away from Into the Wild’s core of leading trips, we have been able to, once again, provide life-changing experiences to so many participants. Our ability to impact the lives and communities of students at Santa Clara is extraordinary. I know because I was someone whose life changed because of Into the Wild.

Over the past year, I have been asked several times how challenging my position within Into the Wild is. I think that there is an allure to the “president” title that draws people in. While being the face of Into the Wild does come with its challenges, my answer has consistently been no. I answer no effortlessly because of the spectacular group of leaders with whom I work every day. Their constant drive and passion for Into the Wild and their vision for the future inspires me to be the best version of myself every time I walk into our office.

San Francisco, CA (Spring 2019)

In my first Into the Wild meeting, I was not only introduced to a group of bizarre, intelligent, and driven leaders, but also to the concept of the “U rock.” I thought that it was the most creative and exciting way to acknowledge people’s contributions to the organization each week. I often say “U rock” to Into the Wild leaders but writing it here doesn’t feel as though it has the significance I intend. So let me provide some context for my interpretation of the “U rock”.

“U rock” means that someone looks up to you in admiration for the level of commitment you put into your endeavors, that you are a dependable teammate, that you amplify the voices of others during hardship and celebrate them in times of success. “U rock” means that someone else recognized your innate love for the people and the organization you are a part of and that your passion for it. “U rock” means that you went above and beyond any expectation that someone had for you and that in those moments, you inspired someone else.

There have been countless times over the past year when I have been rendered speechless by the work my fellow leaders have done and their devotion to Into the Wild. In these moments, the only words that seem remotely adequate are “U rock.”

Into the Wild has given me the platform and the confidence to pursue my own goals and ambitions both within the organization and outside of it. In the spring of 2021, I was accepted to the Miller Center Fellowship, through the Miller Center for Social Entrepreneurship. After completing rigorous coursework that prepared me for the fellowship, I consulted with Oorja Development Solutions (Oorja)––a social enterprise that finances and installs solar mini-grids in low-income rural communities in Uttar Pradesh to power irrigation, agro-processing, and cooling. I used my analytical skills to develop a portfolio for Oorja to allow them to overcome hindrances to impact investment opportunities through gender-focused integration strategies. For Oorja to become a competitive investment prospect, it needed to disaggregate its efforts by gender and implement solutions that recognize the nuanced differences between the needs of men and women both as customers and as employees. This process is consistent with Oorja’s mission to, eventually, positively impact the lives of all farmers in India.

Uttar Pradesh, India (Summer 2019)

I am fascinated by how social enterprises can be used to incite environmental and social change, both abroad and in the US. By utilizing impact models, I can empower companies to add value to the world and create awareness of the importance of incorporating social equity into their infrastructure. As a woman studying in a male-dominated field, I continue to challenge myself to grow as a student and individual. I strive to amplify my voice and, in conjunction, the voices of the women around me. While gender equality is improving, women continue to be marginalized. I hope to accelerate women’s empowerment to co-create a world where all women feel confident speaking up in male-dominated spaces, where women’s lives aren’t chosen for them, and where men are role models for gender equity.

The fellowship not only allowed me to work with a social enterprise and learn how to communicate cross-culturally, but it gave me access to a network of inspiring individuals. The cohort of fellows I spent the nine-month duration of the fellowship with are some of the most intelligent and creative students on our campus. Throughout the fellowship, we faced adversity together: from the rigor of the course material to cultural challenges, to finalizing our comprehensive deliverables that would be sent to each organization. The tight-knit community we fostered within the fellowship gave me the confidence to show people a more authentic version of myself.

The professors, specifically, Stephen Carroll became a mentor to me during the fellowship. Before my acceptance into the fellowship, I didn’t understand the importance of mentors or the profound impact that they can have on the trajectory of our lives. Dr. Carroll facilitated conversations that allowed me to realize both my goals for my future and the routes I can take to achieve them. Since the fellowship was done remotely during the summer of 2021, I had time to take on another full-time internship in the corporate sector. I found inspiration through the people around me but constantly wanted more out of the work itself. That summer, I shared my frustration with Dr. Carroll. He validated my feelings and assured me that there were further opportunities I could pursue. As a student at a competitive university, I spent my time constantly comparing myself to others whose lives were mapped out on a corporate trajectory. For a long time, I thought moving up the corporate ladder or going to professional school right after college was the only path toward success. Dr. Carroll worked with me each week to process and break down stereotypes I had about the definition of success after college.

Over the summer of 2021, and after many conversations with Dr. Carroll, I decided to apply for a Fulbright Student Research grant to expand upon my research from the Miller Center Fellowship. Similar to spring break during my first year in college, I felt compelled to apply to the Fulbright. My decision to apply was followed by months of pouring my heart out into application drafts that were torn apart and then meticulously rewritten. On October 12, 2021, I sat on the floor of the Into the Wild gear closet, combing over the final drafts of my application materials. The gear closet is attached to the Into the Wild office; when leaders meet in the office, I frequently descend into the gear closet for a quiet space to study; so it seemed like the best place to submit an application that had loomed over my head for the previous three months. Adrenaline surged through my veins as I pressed submit, two minutes before the deadline. After double-checking to ensure that I submitted it correctly, I slammed my laptop closed, stood up, and walked out to find my three closest friends in Into the Wild just outside the door. I felt as though I had just run a marathon. I mustered up the energy to speak the word “submitted” before I crumbled into a ball of tears in their arms. Applying for the Fulbright was the most challenging thing I have ever done––forcing me to face my vulnerabilities and weaknesses head-on, by pushing me to advocate for myself and submit an application that reflected the most authentic version of myself and my goals.

Funnily enough, I sat in a meeting with those same three Into the Wild leaders who comforted me after my application submission, when I received an email on April 13, 2022. The subject read “Fulbright Application Status Update.” I trembled as I hovered my mouse over the link. When the page finally loaded, my jaw dropped as I read the words “congratulations.” I was speechless. Throughout that day, the only word I could use to describe my feelings was grateful. I am grateful for the phenomenal support system I have built at Santa Clara. Without the love and compassion I received from my friends, family, and professors throughout the application process and the time awaiting a response I would not have the capacity to take on the challenge of conducting my own research in India. As I reflect on my experience at Santa Clara, I am proud of the titles I have held, but nothing compares to the relationships I have fostered. I am grateful to be part of a community that comforts me during hardship and amplifies my successes while simultaneously challenging me to push my own boundaries.

Bustins Island, ME (Fall 2021)

After graduation in June, I will spend the summer in Maine with my family, and on August 20, 2022, I will travel to Delhi, India to spend a year researching the impact that social enterprises have on gender perceptions and tangentially, economic development. Over the past four years, my definition of success has evolved substantially. I define success by the friends, family, and mentors who not only encourage me to reach for seemingly unattainable goals but who are also there to catch me when I fall.

Santa Monica, CA (Spring 2022)

As I round out this extraordinary experience, I want to thank them: for giving me the platform to pursue my own goals and ambitions, for being the community I was searching for in a time when I had no direction. I want to thank them for providing me with patience and compassion, for challenging me to grow both as an individual and as part of this incredible community, and finally, for being mirrors to show me the best version of myself.