Shifting

The cave of two Fulbright fellows in recovery. I say recovery because that's what this week felt like. After two months of calling Delhi something like home or trying to will it to be some iteration of that. Laila and I decided it was time to "shift." Shifting is a word used in colloquial Indian English to mean moving residencies.

In America, we distill movement into the physical sense ("I moved") whereas in India, we "shift. Shifting seems to recognize that changing localities not only impacts your physical body, but also your circles of people, routine, and perspective on the world. When we shift and simultaneously, the world shifts around us––for better or for worse. Our shift away from Delhi was for the better. It was recovery in the sense that, for the first time in my life, I learned what it meant to give myself grace. It’s easy to tell other people to take a break and care for themselves, but for me to live that was previously unheard of.

This week revealed recovery from months of overstimulation, self-doubt, and self-loathing. It showed how one can care for herself in the aftermath of something like trauma. In many ways, and in all honesty, that's what Delhi felt like. This week I've felt freedom and exhaustion upon shifting felt like detox.

So when you look at these pictures, I was you to notice the bright orange curtains coupled with the scenic view. I want you to notice the sun bright in the sky and how blue it looks even through the glass window. I want you to begin to imagine a sky where the sun shines orange through a haze of pollution that blankets the city and where the sky is painted a permanent shade of gray. I want you to imagine filling your lungs with air in a place that feels refreshing rather than lethal. The pollution in Delhi is scary––simply put. Even on days when you don't wake up feeling like a giant spent the night sitting on your chest, the news stories never fail to remind you of how many cigarettes your daily outings will cost your lungs.

So this picture of a cave, nestled in the mountains is a picture of recovery and resilience. It's a picture of creativity and knowledge sharing. And more than anything, it's a picture of hope for a future that doesn't have to mirror its past.

The brainstorming littering the carpet, stacks of books informing theory, empty glasses that were once full of tea, computers, and loose notebook pages, are also months of hardship and struggle.

I'm thankful for this quiet week. To find new meaning in my work and genuine excitement for the opportunity I have been given. I think something that is seldom talked about and wasn't understood by me until recently is just how much our bodies tell us. How much they reveal about where we need to be. In Delhi, I experienced bouts of depression in ways I never had before. I was unmotivated and found the every day and my routine exhausting. I resented myself for needing to rest more than usual and couldn't understand why I lacked energy I once had. But here, I embrace simplicity, forgiveness, and a new beginning that has revealed the true beauty in shifting.